February 2008
70 posts
WatchDrugs. That’s the only answer. Drugs. Watch for vomiting Santa, my favorite.
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SOUTH FLORIDA LACKING POWER, BALLS.
All over South Florida today there have been power outages. My roommate informs me that his co-workers have been frantically calling their wives. They should go pick up the children from school. Excuse me, but, the only guys who should be afraid when the power goes out are prison guards and prison bitches. Period. America, it’s time to man the fuck up. If we continue to let ball-less guys...
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power outage e-mails
Sara: Powers back. Damn it.
Me: Apparently this is happening all over.
Sara: The Apocalypse.
Me: Finally.
Sara: I should have worn something nicer.
Me: I'm taking my dick out. This is it.
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http://www.helium.com/tm/880267/rewind-sweet-funny-... →
No girl should ever write “cockle-warming.” Not if she wants to be taken seriously. Stupid girls.
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Hey assholes...
I’m not writing for my health. Start clicking the ads. You don’t have to buy anything or even stay on the sites. I know you don’t need typewriter ribbons and fresh Alaskan salmon. Just do it so I can get some ramen noodles.
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Yes.
Gagne: What is it with you and Ligers?
Me: I don't know.
Gagne: You're obsessed.
Me: Of course. They're like mules but made out of cat parts.
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There is no good reason why my office should smell like tuna fish at 10:24 a.m. In other news, I just realized that I can tab to different um, browser tabs, using the down arrow key in Firefox. Isn’t that amazing?
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Life is as long as it is cruel. →
I think that’s Hobbes, but whatever. This is amazing.
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jose's no good
Brendon: Is that Good Charlotte?
Jose: No, that's bad Fway.
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BLACK PEOPLE HAVE MONTH, TEETH. →
“It would be nice to see other minority dentists come back to Muncie,” Carl said. Would it? I don’t think so. Any concentration of dentists is always a bad idea. Like an abortion clinic. Wanna murder baby-killing sinners?? Well let’s go to down to the ‘Women’s Center.’ My guess is that Muncie is a small town. Let’s see, does it rhyme with New York,...
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there was more, but matt speaks for himself:
Matt: how come none of my conversations end up on salmonbits?
Matt: i'm hilarious
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one of those things...
I was taking the steps by threes to be polite. But dude refused to keep his nose out of my ass.
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In other news...
Not a damned funny thing has happened to me in three days. I’m so bored I could shit. I caught up on my correspondence. For real, I just mailed 5 letters. Time for an afternoon constitutional.
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funny ol' bat
Me: You're from another era...How do I get the spools on my typewriter to stop jamming? The ribbon gets too taught and it doesn't apply the ink well.
Mom: If you hurry you might find someone can fix it before he dies.
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“The cool thing about unfulfilled goals is, in the end, you still have some...”
– Salmon
It’s really cool when you lean on a car, on the fender, and you fart. Because it gets amplified. But I don’t do that, of course. I’m a gentleman.
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Holy Crap. →
My NetFlix queue just got exponentially longer.
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Gagne: You just gave me a great idea.
Me: Then it's my idea.
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Gagne: You're a 12 year old trapped in a ...40....how old are you?
Me: I'm twenty-sexy.
Gagne: I'd rather see you dead than laugh at what you say, but that was great.
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i am humbled.
Me: Ooooooh, that sounded seductive and French.
Gagne: That's because she is French, dummy.
Me: I KNOW that, dummy!
Gagne: YOU'RE A STUPID-HEAD THAT WENT TO COLLEGE TO LEARN A DEAD LANGUAGE!
Me: That might be the best argument you've ever made.
